Its a first for me, not to have the words to describe what is going on. I have been sitting here staring at this blank screen, willing the words to come, but nothing is happening. One phrase keeps popping into my head, PTSD. Yep, that explains the lack of words. I was thrust into the most horrible situation last week. It was worse than anything I could of ever thought of. Sensory overload to the max. Now I can say I have been completely overloaded! I can't go into the details of the situation, most of you know. Most of you know my work and what has happened in our little quiet town, so I'm not going there.
I'm struggling, I'm hurting, I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm frightened, I'm tired yet I can't sleep, I almost punched someone (literally), I'm a mess...one word PTSD. If anyone would have told me I would have to deal with this, I would have thought they were crazy. Only weak people get this, but I am finding out now that I was wrong. Strong people get this, and it truly brings them to their knees.
How do I deal? How do I cope? How to I explain it to my daughter...she's too young...she shouldn't have to deal with this too. Do I keep it from her? do I keep letting her think that Mommy's just sad, mad, angry, quiet...not happy, or do I tell her what is going on? Brad knows, but she doesn't. Do I keep letting her think mommy's just having a bad day, until it goes away...will it ever go away? will I ever be back to the person I was before? are these images ever going to get the heck out of my head?
I don't want sympathy...I don't need it...I fear it...I will get better, I know it...I have to. I just hate that working through this process is going to take time...and during that time, I yell, cry, don't sleep and hurt those around me for no reason, other than the fact that I can't deal with the little things right now. I am hurting my family and I can't stop it. Brad is totally understanding. He get it, he's ok when I yell at him for minor things...he knows what I am going through, but still that doesn't make it right... Nothing about what I saw, what I had to do, what someone else did, makes it right.
I am totally scared! I know Brad it too, any husband would be. I thought it was just the emotional and psychological stuff, but now its physical too. Blood tests, follow up...6 months of waiting to see if I am going to be ok...how do I deal with that? How do I deal with the fact that I was there to help someone, save a life and now I might be sick.
I am pissed! I hate the person that caused this situation!! I hate that he forced me to see what I saw, do what I had to do, and now deal with what I am having to deal with! I HATE HIM! I have had people tell me what a good person he was, but to me he is a monster! He is nothing good, he is pure evil. He has not just affected me, but now he is messing with my family. I HATE THAT! I hate this...
No comments:
Post a Comment