It's a new day

Today is a new and slightly better day. I slept last night! Not solidly through the night like I used to, but none the less several hours of sleep, thanks to a few sleeping pills! I can't believe how sleep can change your outlook on life. I am still feeling the same whirlwind of feelings but today I feel like I can deal/cope with them better. I just re-read yesterday's post...it was dark...scary...and therapeutic! Just writing what I was feeling helped. For quite a few days, I didn't know how I felt...I was numb to a lot of what was going on around me. Now I am dealing with the emotions one by one...but...today's a new day.

It is going to take a while to get over the things that I was exposed to...its going to take longer for some aspects to fade, than others. The flashbacks are fading, the nightmares are still there, and my brain is still racing all the time. Talking helps, but I can't talk to just anyone about it... I want to protect people from what went on. Part of me still desperately wants people to believe that the world is a good place...that its safe...that bad things don't happen. So I pick and choose who I talk to, and when... My friend Carrie helped. She knows me, she knows what I am feeling, she's been there. I think I would be lost without her. She is like my lighthouse, guiding me through this storm. I love her for that. She lets me vent without interruption, yell, curse and break down. She's my safety net, I would be lost without her right now.

Stress makes you do all sorts of weird things...I picked a fight with someone yesterday over something I would typically let go, but I am too fragile now, I couldn't get over it, so I fought back. Now, dumb me, I am having to deal with those problems too. I need to punch something! repeatedly! something that won't fight back. something that won't give my emotions the satisfaction of egging me on.

Today's a new day, tomorrow may or may not be better, but at least I can put today behind me tomorrow and keep moving forward one step at a time.