Today

I laughed today, which was the best feeling in the world! I recently made the decision that we needed a 12 ft trampoline in our backyard. So, without much discussion, I informed the Hubs that we were going to get one. Long story short, we were finally able to set it up this past week, and it has been loads of fun for the princess, and as it turns out loads of fun for me too. *just as a side note, we can't jump on it right now because it is snowing?!?!!!!*

So, as the princess and I were waiting for the Hubs to get home from work, she asked me if  we could jump. Not really feeling like it after a long day of work, but not wanting to live through another meltdown, I agreed. It was the best decision that I made all day. As Princess and I bounced, small giggles started to bubble up and come out. Hey, its fun to bounce, and jump then fall down on your butt!

The more we bounced, the bigger the laughs got, both hers and mine. I couldn't stop, bouncing or laughing. There is something so cathartic about doing something that is still as fun now as an adult, as it was when I was a kid.

Small improvements...

Life seems to be getting back to normal. I was actually able to shower today with out the sound of the water triggering flashbacks. It felt so good just to actually be relaxed today. I did something totally not typical of me, I went and spent a wad of cash on something just for me, and no one else. A new laptop computer. True I didn't need it, but I have been wanting one for a while, ever since I got rid of my last one, so I decided that when I got my ambulance check, that I would splurge. Of course I had Brad's full backing on it!  So I researched, and researched, and finally found one for me. I am in love, and Brad is totally jealous. *totally kidding, he doesn't care* But I know that when I tell him I want to buy something just for me, he just goes along with it, so it won't cause a fight...smart man.

It's a new day

Today is a new and slightly better day. I slept last night! Not solidly through the night like I used to, but none the less several hours of sleep, thanks to a few sleeping pills! I can't believe how sleep can change your outlook on life. I am still feeling the same whirlwind of feelings but today I feel like I can deal/cope with them better. I just re-read yesterday's post...it was dark...scary...and therapeutic! Just writing what I was feeling helped. For quite a few days, I didn't know how I felt...I was numb to a lot of what was going on around me. Now I am dealing with the emotions one by one...but...today's a new day.

It is going to take a while to get over the things that I was exposed to...its going to take longer for some aspects to fade, than others. The flashbacks are fading, the nightmares are still there, and my brain is still racing all the time. Talking helps, but I can't talk to just anyone about it... I want to protect people from what went on. Part of me still desperately wants people to believe that the world is a good place...that its safe...that bad things don't happen. So I pick and choose who I talk to, and when... My friend Carrie helped. She knows me, she knows what I am feeling, she's been there. I think I would be lost without her. She is like my lighthouse, guiding me through this storm. I love her for that. She lets me vent without interruption, yell, curse and break down. She's my safety net, I would be lost without her right now.

Stress makes you do all sorts of weird things...I picked a fight with someone yesterday over something I would typically let go, but I am too fragile now, I couldn't get over it, so I fought back. Now, dumb me, I am having to deal with those problems too. I need to punch something! repeatedly! something that won't fight back. something that won't give my emotions the satisfaction of egging me on.

Today's a new day, tomorrow may or may not be better, but at least I can put today behind me tomorrow and keep moving forward one step at a time.

No Words

Its a first for me, not to have the words to describe what is going on. I have been sitting here staring at this blank screen, willing the words to come, but nothing is happening. One phrase keeps popping into my head, PTSD. Yep, that explains the lack of words. I was thrust into the most horrible situation last week. It was worse than anything I could of ever thought of. Sensory overload to the max. Now I can say I have been completely overloaded! I can't go into the details of the situation, most of you know. Most of you know my work and what has happened in our little quiet town, so I'm not going there.
I'm struggling, I'm hurting, I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm frightened, I'm tired yet I can't sleep, I almost punched someone (literally), I'm a mess...one word PTSD. If anyone would have told me I would have to deal with this, I would have thought they were crazy. Only weak people get this, but I am finding out now that I was wrong. Strong people get this, and it truly brings them to their knees.
How do I deal? How do I cope? How to I explain it to my daughter...she's too young...she shouldn't have to deal with this too. Do I keep it from her? do I keep letting her think that Mommy's just sad, mad, angry, quiet...not happy, or do I tell her what is going on? Brad knows, but she doesn't. Do I keep letting her think mommy's just having a bad day, until it goes away...will it ever go away? will I ever be back to the person I was before? are these images ever going to get the heck out of my head?
I don't want sympathy...I don't need it...I fear it...I will get better, I know it...I have to. I just hate that working through this process is going to take time...and during that time, I yell, cry, don't sleep and hurt those around me for no reason, other than the fact that I can't deal with the little things right now. I am hurting my family and I can't stop it. Brad is totally understanding. He get it, he's ok when I yell at him for minor things...he knows what I am going through, but still that doesn't make it right... Nothing about what I saw, what I had to do, what someone else did, makes it right.
I am totally scared! I know Brad it too, any husband would be. I thought it was just the emotional and psychological stuff, but now its physical too. Blood tests, follow up...6 months of waiting to see if I am going to be ok...how do I deal with that? How do I deal with the fact that I was there to help someone, save a life and now I might be sick.
I am pissed! I hate the person that caused this situation!! I hate that he forced me to see what I saw, do what I had to do, and now deal with what I am having to deal with! I HATE HIM! I have had people tell me what a good person he was, but to me he is a monster! He is nothing good, he is pure evil. He has not just affected me, but now he is messing with my family. I HATE THAT! I hate this...

Today I....

1. Actually had time to eat breakfast!

2. Finally got my desk at work cleaned off!

3. Smiled

4. Got 2 Belated birthday cards in the mail.

5. actually returned all of my voicemail messages!

6. seriously messed up my wrist again (I can't feel my fingers)

because I...

7. Helped do CPR on a patient

and

8. tried to intubate him

but I don't mind because...

9. I saved his life!! (with help of course)

then I...

10. skipped Dinner

11. went to ambulance training

12. went home with an ice pack and a brace on my wrist/hand

13. watched my fav shows

14. Crashed from sheer exhaustion!

So that was my day! My question to you is....

What did you do today??